01.08.2010 - 02.08.2010 24 °C
Its 1:19AM and I can not sleep. I was so tired 3 hours ago. I dont know what happened! Truth is, I'm so anxious with a lot on my mind. I tried to listen to some music on YouTube and chose every song that touches a chord inside of me, including Broadway hits like "Memory" and songs from "Les Miserables". I even tried a voice test to make sure I am in tune. I am. Good. I remembered being in the car in Miami singing Streisand's song and I was like a little girl feeling every word in my soul while, the person for whom I possess sheer desire for is centimeters from me and probably had no idea how much. And I remember the glances through the rear view mirror. What do I do this!? All this only woke me up and stirred me even more.
My thoughts are everywhere! My bags - Will I have to pay for overweight? Am I really going to Paris? What do I want to buy before I leave NY? Can I even afford to buy anything? What will I do tomorrow? What do I want to do with myself in the next few months? Do I really want a stable job or do I want to keep freelancing and be free? When should I book my ticket? My mosquito bite is seriously itching me. There are terrible mosquitos in BA - am I ready to face those pests again? Wow, I haven't seen my family in 6 months - it's the longest I have ever been away solo. I wonder how my interview will go tomorrow morning. What should I say? What shouldn't I say? Do I remember how to have an interview!? I only know to be me these days and do what I feel and say what I think so I am hoping that's good enough. Hmm I'm hungry. I feel like having waffles with berries. What should I do this week? I even reread the response I got from uhh.. my version of "Mr. Big" back in June. What a technical email. Calling my feelings 'concepts' because he didnt know what else to call them I assume. So unwilling to claim any responsibility for realizations that I have in my life, or acknowledgements that I wish to pay. I didn't need his support, he said. I was courageous and did a great challenging thing. What was I thinking? Why was being so nice for so long? To show that I am humane? Do we have to show humanity to someone who hurt us?
I was thinking that with this whole trip I'm on, I can't expect to find stability i.e. a job and/or a relationship so long as I still have these cravings to explore the unknown and gobble the world up. It's really a setup for disappointment. So I need to focus and just enjoy the distractions that come up along the way, as if I am en route to the best restaurant in the world that takes a while to get to but from time to time, on the way, little refreshing mint candies pop up to tempt me and make me want to stop or take a detour. Hmmm but detours are good - you never know where they will take you. You might discover things you never knew you never knew existed. Exactly how things are when you meet my aunt for a simple breakfast. 10 hours later your credit card is scratched to death, the trunk of your car is filled with shopping bags, your stomach is busy digesting a wonderful filet mignon and your mind has you longing for things far from your reach, i.e. a seaside bungalow in Tahiti or something. Totally off track.
So....there are a lot of promos/teasers for the movie "Eat Pray Love". I actually read the book more than two years ago while I was still with my then-ex of 7 years. I remember reading it and feeling really uncomfortable with her situation in the beginning. I felt that it was too dramatic and heavy. Only after I left the house myself, realizing that this person would never be for me and could never really give me what I need, did I pick up the book again and realize that the reason I felt uncomfortable with what I read is because I felt that way myself. We don't always like to look at mirrors, do we?! So two summers ago, while I was getting over it all in Tel Aviv, I immersed myself in that book. Cried, laughed, identified and even envied her for what she did. And now, here I am today, really not far off from this story. "Let yourself GO". Simple words but I love what it's saying. I wonder how the movie will be. Hmm.. Bali.. why haven't I gone there yet?
And I can't believe my time in NYC is coming to a close in two weeks. Am I really going back to Argentina? Will I be as happy as I had left it? Will the people who were in my life still be there or will it be different? What can I expect? And if I expect nothing, isn't that a little disappointing because in essence I am going back to be in the surroundings of people who made my time so worthwhile there. There is no point in these questions if this is something I really want to do but I can't help but ponder. It's almost 1:50AM now.
A yawn. Oh my. Time to sleep!!
Cheers to a new week ahead.