Everything happens because of something
18.08.2010 25 °C
[*]I finally saw "Eat Pray Love". Solo. I've learned to go to the movies alone and really enjoy it.
The movie is a very big disappointment. Nothing like the book. So many important parts, completely omitted from it. So many places I remember highlighting with neon post-its did not exist in the movie. This isn't to say that it has to be a splitting image but really, the essence of the journey. Practically Gone. Reduced to a miniscule. Made commercial so much so that people went out and did the same trip?? Some just don't get it. You can go to the same place but it's not your real experience. It's someone else's and it always will be.
Why do that? Can't you make your own? They can't take away from the author's personal experience. No matter what any one will try to do. Imitating is just ridiculous and pointless. Every single person who I have met on this journey until this very moment has experienced something different from what I have. And that's the beauty of it all. Just like you cannot step in the same river twice. Whether you believe it or not, you are not the same person. And why would you want to be anyway?
It was endearing though, to sit back as a viewer and watch this person's life (although, again, much to my dismay did not succeed in touching that little nerve inside), as she tried to figure out what the hell it is that she wants from herself, from life, from people, from everything. It made me think 'wow, look at me, a very similar journey', leaving everything you know, your comfort zone, safety net, all of it' and just to get away to breathe. I remember how long it took me to book the reservation! I was scared to make it official. Scared to leave my job. Scared I would miss my apartment. Scared to be far from my life. Scared that maybe I was missing out on relationship potential with the losers I was in touch with. I was scared shitless of what I would do with myself, alone, in the world. Scared to be broke.
And you know what, I might be broke, but I am stronger! And the negatives now are just temporary because nothing lasts forever. This phase of not knowing and being on hold is not forever. It will pass, just like everything does. It all goes away. Even heartbreak, it's true. [BTW - no word yet from the Argentino who emailed me very recently. Only proving my theory right: he's not looking to be my friend after 2 mos of no contact. He's checking in to see my status, updating me "I wont be able to see you in Normandy - got to go on some business trips." And it proves it even more b/c he never bothered to reply to my email in return.]
When I started that book, 2 years ago in April, I was in a relationship that wasn't giving me what I needed. And I was scared to leave - g-d forbid people would think I was a failure for not pulling through. But this feeling of inadequacy and dissatisfaction consumed me so much for so long because I didnt want to deal with it and took over every part of me until it had no where left to go inside and it started taking up the life around me, on the outside. That's when I was really scared the most. Because I couldn't ignore it. It was looking me now, right in the face!
And when I drowned in the pages to try to forget and push tears back, I remember feel like I also want to live out my life-long fantasies since I had met this ex when I was 22. I got accepted to do an internship at the U.N. which I was very proud of (although now, honestly, it's not such a great thing) and I never went "because I was in a relationship." How much I wanted my passport to be stamped from all over the world. I was thrilled every time I had another one. He didn't care in the least bit. I wanted to be a world traveler, visit hotels. taste foods, touch cultures, be a citizen of the world. My world, our world. To take it all in, experience it. And I knew I would do it someday. I just didn't know when. When. How. With whom? And here I am. But of course, all of this doesn't come without some salt and pepper on the side...
And so, these times are challenging my patience to no end!! Here I am. I have done it. I am in the big apple, full of worms looking to get a bite, leaving me no piece to taste. So frustrating to have all these credentials and not even land the dumbest gig on Craigslist or even the good ones I know I can nail and totally deserve. Thankfully though, the interviews at two companies are slightly picking up pace; the first of which is continuing well after my third phone interview today and the second is a new opportunity which I have to admit, surprised me on how well I did (I was asked "how many ping pong balls can you fit into a 747?" --> yes I answered correctly). So we'll see. But again, that 'we'll see', that uncertainty of not knowing, not being able to control your life NOW. ...drives me nuts!!
It's out of my control and it is all about time. I had a conversation with someone yesterday and he told me 'Its like time shows at the end of the way all the answers...and most of the times, you cant do much about important desicions, its like they happen cause they are meant to happen. If you look a little bit, or analyse, the important decisions or things in life are not made by us, or they may, but we are forced to take them because something happened, some opportunity appeared which we werent expecting or something."
And it's true. Nothing important in life can take place right away and those things normally do not depend 100% on us... its life, its time, maybe destiny even. When you are able to control that patience, and you dont actually suffer it.. you dont get that angry or stressed and you understand that taking this TIME is always important, it helps you take clever decisions, helps you understand things and helps you to enjoy even the negative things.
This evening, I was on the bus, looking out the window, absorbing everything around me after this film. And as I looked I told myself "what is the secret of just being happy and successful, how hard can it really be!? After all, everything is totally doable. Everything! Anything you want. If you believe it with every single cell, know you deserve it, know you can have it and make it yours, you can. Who's to say you can't? Who can stop you?
I can't believe that I am so close to going back to Argentina. I want a third language and a fluent one. I will be trilingual in three lanuages and I am sure of it. I am going to do this because if I never do, I will always regret it and will always wonder why and what would have happened. I want this. I want this experience.
After the two interview phone calls today, I was talking to my cousin about how much this entire journey is something I need. And suddenly, my subconscious woke up and tapped my conscious on the head... It just occurred to me that the date I intend to leave to Buenos Aires is exactly 12 years to the date we buried my dad after he ditched us all at the tender age of 43 - September 10th. He didnt pull through a severe heart attack on a soccer field in NJ and left us. Left me here. In NY. To deal with it. I am closing the circle very soon. I couldn't believe it. How did I now realize this sooner? Sept 10th? Of all dates? I didn't even realize what I was doing, the date I was deciding on. It didn't even occur to me until today. I never would have thought.
I am here, in NY, a city which I did NOT intend to even come to on my trip to South America... NY is not South America (although it is a kind of jungle). I am here for a reason. And that's why it's so hard for me. Because this isn't fun. This isn't adventurous. This is the real thing. Being here takes me back to those little corners inside, all filled up with dust and memories from the past, everywhere I go. This city is my dad. I'm here to make amends, get closure on my dad's passing because I never really got over it. And it's time to free myself from this city with which I have a love-hate relationship... and might always have. I realize that no matter where I go, how far or how beautiful, I will not be able to build a home until I put my past to rest. Something that really hurts me and scarred me.
I expect to leave on the basis of 'irreconcilable differences' but I guess it's better than nothing. We can always be friends.